I would like to publically apologize for the deplorable crimes I have committed... against my skin.
Dear Skin, I am so ashamed of how I have treated you in all our years together. I haven't cleansed you completely each evening, often falling asleep with caked-on makeup only to awake to eyeliner flaking from your eyelids and burning my unsuspecting eyes. I have forgotten to moisturize you for days at a time. You have suffered most in the summer, when I take to the brutally hot city streets after neglecting to slather on the sunscreen you so desperately depend on. You have tolerated this abuse, and bounced back, miraculously. You have yet to punish my insolence with the consequences of skin cancer, and I thank you for your clemency. I can change. I swear. Please, be patient with me. We can work this out!
I'm open to your ideas. What must I do to gain your trust again? I've been reading up on some possible courses of action, and one skincare method stands out, in particular.
Two words: "snail slime."
*Pause for dramatic effect*
Okay, hear me out. People have been using mud and bee venom to treat their various skin inconsistencies for ages. And apparently, snail mucin treatments have been popular for years now, gaining stratospheric popularity recently in Korea. According to my research, even the Ancient Greeks experimented with the stuff.
Snail mucin is touted as being capable of fading acne scars, reducing the signs of aging, smoothing the complexion, eliminating dryness, and providing an all-over healthy glow. Listen, Skin, companies have been infusing this gunk into everything from creams to balms to masks, so it isn't like I'll be subjecting you to a direct mollusk-to-face application. Established named like Mizon, Organic Doctor, and Tony Moly have all embraced the trend, and what's good enough for them should be good enough for us, no?
Oh... "No," it is. I'll just get you some cocoa butter, then. Good talk.